I wanna run away from my mind

I don't even know a good reason to be writing this. (IF there is one.) Even being around people I care about and even knowing they care about me I kinda feel lonely. Isn't that weird?! I've been wondering for a long time what I was gonna do when I arrived here again. And it's been almost a month and I still don't know the answer. Maybe I'm being selfish, but everything just seem not to make sense anymore. My old friends, the ones I've been together since childhood turned out to be distant from me and we live only 10 minutes away from each other. The ones I care most about seem not to be satisfied with what I've became. I'm so confused with it all. The missing feeling just can't go away. I push myself hard to be what I used to be, but it's not working. I'm losing them, people that I love. And for no reason. Or at least none that I have found out. What's wrong about thinking of the future? What's wrong about dreaming? I really wanna build a new life away from here, but there's nothing I can do to make them understand why. They don't see that I'm just not as happy as I used to be HERE. And again I might be being selfish, but isn't that what was suppose to happen? Shouldn't we think more about what WE want? Shouldn't WE try be happy? I can't please each and everyone... Whatever I do is like I was hurting them. Whatever I say is like being unkind. What should I choose? Is it a matter of choosing or not to? I'm getting even more confused every day. I wish mum and dad were here to say everything is gonna be fine. You see? How can I feel more self-confident with two people that had NOTHING to do with my life 6 months ago than with two other people that have raised me pretty much the whole life? Is that wrong? Feeling better to talk to host parents than real parents? Do I even mean the same for them? Oh my God, I'm getting crazy on thoughts right now. I need a break. From here, from there, from myself. From my mind. Gotta find me out before I go crazy completely.

Talvez

Talvez, teu cheiro foi de longe o que mais me chamou a atencao. Talvez uma mistura de doce artificial com o teu sabor natural. Algo que resultou num provocante perfume de seducao. Talvez sejam insanas essas palavras minhas. Nem ao menos podes me compreender. E a questao vai muito alem de mera linguagem. Talvez, no fundo, tu querias sentir o mesmo, mas o medo de tentar te impede de me tocar. Teus olhos... Ah, teu olhos! O encanto do ser humano esta escondido na beleza de um olhar. O encanto dos teus olhos esta escondido nos meus, que te olham todos os dias desejando-te.

Sei que o que nos separa e' mais que uma simples nacionalidade ou idioma. Mas se um dia eu for embora, e sei que esta proximo o momento, prometo lembrar-te todos os dias de que um dia esteves em meu coracao.

Talvez a palavra certa nao seja AMOR nem ao menos PAIXAO, mas o que quer que sinto por voce e' verdadeiro e intenso.

Fica aqui a carta de amor que, talvez, nunca saiba que escrevi.